Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Another Day...

I WANT MORE THAN ANOTHER DAY...

Have you guys ever felt like you are waking up to another day just like the previous one... Like you are repeating the same day but the dates are changing... Thats pretty much what's happening to me now... Some how everything seems so different... Like a routine gone wrong... The feeling when your life feels empty and even the air you breathe stays still.. I don't even know where and how to describe it but... even now when i am sitting here and starring at my screen... I feel empty. Just lost and lonely...

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be someone else... To be someone more than who you are... Just cause right now your life isn't going the way you want it to... when you lay in bed at night and feel sorry for yourself... But you don't understand why...

Right now... i feel like a part of me hates me... but i still love myself... When i look into the mirror i wonder... behind those eyes.... whether or not there is still someone there... Who am I? The age old question.... the one which haunts me.... I have always been so certain that i knew.. But then.... that cold night when even the moon was asleep... i stayed awake and thought... Just stayed up and thought about everything... Am i this person who was stone when it came to her heart... Or that person who doesn't want to look deeper because she is afraid to face herself... I always thought of myself as a bold, cunning warrior... but than it hit me... Why am i so defensive... Why am I trying so hard to proof to people around me that i am more than what they think... Is it really that necessary for one to be what everyone else wants them to be... I have lost myself in this battle... Now that he is gone and i am getting to know new people its strange has to how much i don't know about myself... Its like all along i was a part of him... and now all i am and all i can be is just me...

I don't know if i am making any sense... but i am at a point in my life right now... That time is so available and i don't know what i am supposed to do with it... I have so many things i would love to do... But how can I try to help others when i don't even know myself... Than again this may be a phase people go through.... and i might just snap out of it another day but than again i might not... If i don't would i be stuck like this forever? Not knowing what i want... Not
Confusion... its certainly overwhelming.... but i am glad i can hold myself together... and the only thing that is helping me do that is the facade i put up with my life everyday... I am proud that i can mock the very things that hurt me so much... And thats what keeps me going.... The fact that i close my heart just to safe myself from feeling anything... I guess everyone, at least once in their life would have learnt how not to feel...

Again... i don't know whether i am making any sense at all....

Its just hard... Without you... But i have to think with my head from now on.... And not my heart...

Posted by tornredqueen at 8:15 AM